Please accept my letter to you - by N

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If I could stop…

‘O’ Level student-inmate from institution TM1 Consolation Prize

Dear God,

If I could stop time and right at what went wrong, I would. Given the opportunity to do so will give me a chance, an opportunity to make amends to the people that I love, the ones I hurt most. By doing so, it would definitely lighten my burden, a very heavy burden indeed, so that my heart would rest, free from guilt and regrets. Many times, I have hurt those who love and loved me the most. I will never forget the defining incident that would forever change my life. That particular incident is the union of myself and heroin, the love of my life.

If I could stop time and return to that particular day when I could not stop myself from the temptation of wanting to be seen as ‘cool’ and to be accepted by my friends, I would probably not end up where I am today. Who knows, I would probably end up being somebody or someone respectful and maybe, just maybe, I would have been someone useful to my society. They said that curiosity kills the cat. I believe that it killed me too. Curiosity finished me off, exterminated me, and terminated me. It took me away from my family. But then again, was it all an excuse? Was it really curiosity? Was it heroin? Or was it just me?

If I could stop myself from the love-hate relationship that I have had with heroin, I would not have hurt my parents, my siblings and the love of my life. To end up in prison at an early age of 15 is not something worthy of remembrance. In fact, I try all the time to keep all these dirty secrets of loving the high of heroin but hating where it got me, all to myself. Should anyone have stepped into my shoes and lived the life I have lived, they would have said ‘no’ right away.

If I could stop loving heroin and start loving myself, it would be the one and only thing that I would have done all my life. How can I let my parents enter my room, seeing me lying face down, with two syringes up my veins. The look on their faces, the shattered pieces of their heart, the disappointment. No parents should have seen what my parents saw because they could never forget that day. The day that left me humiliated and mortified for the rest of my life. That day left me ashamed, guilty and remorseful.

If I could stop living a dream to pursue a life of hedonistic adventures, I would because I realised that all my life, I have been building castles in the air. I was always living a life that was full of myself and never about anyone else. Even when my parents tirelessly visited me, coaxing me and trying their very best to make me leave my harmful lifestyle for a purposeful one, I had ignored them and fought them off as if fighting for my life against wild and dangerous animals. Yes, I was that bad!

If I could stop time and unfulfil the pleasure of this worldly life, I would, so that I would not need more money to satisfy my hunger for Heroin. To think back about the time that I had snatched my brother’s treasured smartphone in exchange for something worth the price of dirt. Even now, I could feel the pain that I caused years ago. How could someone like me still be forgiven after stealing a much needed essential bought with his own hard earned money?

If I could stop time and treasure the ones I love, I would, because then, I would not have lost the love of my life and we could have been perfect together. She could have a complement to my incomplete self, like the sand that is never complete without the sea, like earth that is never complete without heaven, like how Romeo is never complete without Juliet. But then, I chose Heroin over Juliet. You will only appreciate something once it is going. Not when it is in your hands.

If I could stop wanting what I could not have and be content with whatever I have, I would not have too many regrets to live with. I could live a life that is not without worries or troubles, and a less regretful life. No one can say that their life has always been a bed of roses or that their stars were always aligned to one another. But no one wants to live a life full of regrets that will burden them till the end of their lives.

Dear God, I ask humbly that in the event that you might consider giving me another shot at life, I only have one wish, if I could stop worrying about the things that I could not change and accept it, I would because then, I would learn more from my mistakes and have more wisdom to identify my flaws and change them. Please accept my letter to you.