My past is dark but a significant memory of a colourful string lights it up - by F.N.

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My Rainbow Memories (The Rainbow Within)

Consolation prize – AA16

By F.N., a Diploma student-inmate from Institution TM1

A relationship is like a string that binds two individuals together. The colours on that string dances in concert with how one feels towards the other. My past is dark but a significant memory of a colourful string lights it up. Allow me now to share my rainbow memories with you. 

In 2015, I was a teenage boy embroiled in vices, a junkie with one foot on the other side of the fence. One day, I attended a birthday party at a chalet. Amongst the crowd, I was mesmerised by a particular girl. She was Dove White, fun-sized and vivacious. I was lucky she was sitting with my friends, otherwise I would not have known how to break the ice between us. I casually walked over as if her existence had no effect on me but deep down I was restraining my whole body from dancing in joy. I was like a super excited kid, jumping up and down with a new toy. I put on my handsome prince persona, did the ‘what’s up’ handshake on my friends but when my eyes met hers for the first time, the ‘Hello’ was said with too much of enthusiasm. Not only ‘Hello’ came out, all of my teeth decided to show themselves as well. I thought no one noticed it until one of my friends started singing Ronan Keating’s “the smile on your face, lets me know that you need me.” That was how the Sunrise Orange string was formed between Carmen and I. I am not a religious person but at that moment, I believed God sent her to save me from drowning in the vicious cycle.

From then on, she joined our clique and started hanging out with us. Her presence was like an elixir, half of her attention on me was better than full of anyone else’s. Coincidentally, our group planned to go for the iLight exhibition at Marina Bay Sands. It was the usual weekend feeling until it abruptly turned Cloud White. Carmen called to inform me that 2 of our friends could not make it due to personal commitments and another decided to pass. “So that leaves you and me” and I replied “Alright, see you there.” I hung up the phone but the words ‘you and me’ kept reverberating in my head. “Is this a date?” For the next hour, I was lost, pacing back and forth in Sakura Pink euphoria. Yes it is a date, back. But she didn’t say date, forth. Back forth back forth.

A date blossomed into dates. Shades of Red dazzled me as she became the central point in which my world spins and I blushed at everything she said. We chatted and laughed into the wee hours over the phone, sometimes waking up the neighbours. At that age, I honestly didn’t know what desire really feels like but my days turned Candy Red when I just daydream and wondered how it feels to have her hand in mine. After countless movie nights and late night strolls, my Fire Red emotions were sticking out a mile and I decided to confess my feelings.

One fine day, we were strolling to her home after a midnight movie. I gathered all my courage and said, “Show me your palm for a second.” I placed my hand on top of hers and she reciprocated by slipping her fingers in-between mine like she saw it coming. Maybe it was written in the stars, or perhaps it was written all over my face. One thing for sure, her hand fitted into mine like it was moulded just for me. If she was supposed to save me, she definitely met her objective by capturing my heart.

Thus, the rollercoaster ride began in Hot Pink, fresh and filled with love. Being alone with her was like stepping into a door away from normal life and closing it behind me. We posted couple photos on Instagram, believing we were the heavenly couple of reality. She was my happy pill - Sunshine Yellow ecstasy rushing through my veins whenever she lighted up in a beautiful smile.

It altered Lime Green on a wild day I remembered vividly. We were walking by the roadside, deciding where to head for dinner. Suddenly she flagged down a taxi, grabbed my hand and screamed, “Faster choose a place!” As the doors shut, my heart skipped two beats. One when I tripped over my heart and fell for hers. Two because the taxi driver was starting at me. So wild and full of surprises, I fell deeply in love with her personality.

Like every rollercoaster, life has its up and down spirals. One day at midnight while she was asleep beside me, I got out of bed and tip-toed to the balcony. Facing the city lights, I silently took out a joint and lit it up. After two puffs, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. When I spun around, I saw tears welling up in her eyes as she whispered, “Am I not good enough?” She grabbed her things and walked out of my house. Instantly, my world turned Galaxy Black, I hallucinated her walking out of my life too. As the chemicals raced super fast to my head, her words slammed me into a wall of reality.

Eventually, I found myself sitting outside her apartment with my head spinning in circles, like a junkie waiting for a fix. If I had been honest to her from the start, would this have happened? I was afraid she would reject the dark side of me so my only escape route was silence. The chemicals stopped hitting my head few hours later but her words remained buried deep in my heart. I told her the truth and she gave me some time to quit. To be honest, I planned to keep both worlds of Rainbow, moving in between them like a door.

My plans were ruined as she gradually became downward and insecure after the fateful episode, trying to be in control of my every move. My only safe space was turning into a Metallic Grey cell and I was locked out of heaven. Half of me wanted to leave because I feared she would end up breaking herself trying to fix me. I pushed away the negative thoughts and held on to the strong, but the colours of emotions never pulsed so bright again, never in the same way.

This turn of events catalysed into frequent squabbles and arguments, sometimes escalating into Deep Purple searing pain of remorse. One thing led to another as our interests lay elsewhere and we drifted apart in the Dark Blue ocean of despair. Instead of rebuilding the love with trust, we built the walls of separation that caused the Flaming Red love to fade into Sunset Purple.

The old me could never have given her Solid Brown, a life of stability and commitment. On that day when the string of love dissolved in Ash Grey, “Whatever will be, will be” were her last words before she kissed me goodbye. It was the most hurtful thing that happened, not because it ended my life but because it didn’t. 

This was my most memorable rollercoaster ride passing through a spectrum of colours. If there’s something called second chance, I would hop on it again with her. Sharing these colourful memories with her brings to mind a particular verse that goes – God put us through plain stages in life so that we do not take rainbows for granted.