The following is a story of pain and pleasure in its extremities - by R.D.

Essay Title: The Two Sides of My Mirror: Ignorance and Cognizance 

2^nd Prize – AA15

By R.D., a ‘A’ Level student-inmate from institution TM1

These following lines are not the beginning nor the end of my peregrination. It is merely an iota of the infinite experiences this universe has gifted us with. Yet, certain experiences have an outsized impact on us for the worse or the better. I can only hope I’ve been through the worst to remain sanguine about the future. Of course, some bad experiences may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. The following is a story of pain and pleasure in its extremities. A sharing, not to involve sympathy, but to awaken others from their slumber. A sharing, to enable those on a similar journey to realise that they are not alone. A sharing that it is a testament to the omnipotence of the human spirit. 

I humbly seek your forgiveness for anything that may trouble you as you continue reading. With that said, I invite you to join me on my ephemeral, yet poignant journey. 

The Childhood That Wasn’t Good…

I remember being woken up after midnight on numerous occasions to witness the interminable arguments between my parents. Inebriated with booze, my dad would come home late every other night to question my (housewife) mum about her non-existent scandals. Day-in, day-out, I witnessed my mother being tortured. It took a toll on me as I felt powerless to stand up for my mum. Alcohol and suspicion caused a toxic home. I was not allowed to visit my cousins a few blocks away. Scolded and hit without reason. Well everybody needs an outlet, to release the built-up pressure. For my dad – my mum, For my mum – me. For me… Around this time, my most beloved maternal uncle committed suicide. At that tender age of eight, I couldn’t comprehend what relatives meant when they said, ‘he left to God’. After sometime, the cause was leaked. Once again, alcohol was the culprit. Hence, my first anathema in life – alcohol. 

Life Isn’t Fair. Peace Is Rare…

Life continued. I went to school despite finding studies a torment. The disciplinary master’s office felt more welcoming. Meanwhile, I tried to find for a family which was absent back home. Friends looked cool enough to be family. They had the guts to rebel, they had latest handphone models, branded sport shoes, fashionable clothes and enviable pocket money. All of which, I didn’t have. The stark contrast between a need and want felt unacceptable. Anyway, they were not illegal. So I was told ‘save up or wait till you earn your own money.’ And so, I survived through the peer pressure, but with deep displeasure. Meanwhile, I came across a video named ‘Farm-to-Fridge’ on Youtube. It shook my world and I knew my inherent compassion for animals then. I saw the world as increasingly unfair, and since this world was created by God, he must be a very unfair person who didn’t deserve any of the high praise. If God was true, why would animals suffer? If he is really present, why the divide between the rich and the poor, good and evil; man and beast; religion and religion? Too young to question the idea of God, I divested my beliefs but acted sane. When a person acts against his nature or ignores his inner voice struggles to be heard, it starts to eat him from the inside. It started eating me. 

Stay High to Silence The Cry…

Since I loathed alcohol and had no other cure to turn to given my view that humans are incontrovertibly the most nefarious creation of our age, I jumped at the opportunity to try cannabis (AKA marijuana). The happiness its brought expunged the long internal turmoil. A remedy indeed for the inexplicable troubled mind. However, it was only temporary. When the high subsided, life and its pain came back with a vengeance, and thus addiction was born. Life meant little without a joint. An escape from the frying pan, only to fall into the fire. 

Into The Pyre To Feed Desire…

Drugs are not cheap, neither are they as accessible. To afford, you sell. This is the cause of trafficking over 90 percent of the time. Little did I know, I could simultaneously earn a living off this unethical, yet lucrative trade. The temptation to satisfy all my desires was overwhelming enough to subdue my fears. What I couldn’t afford as a child I now had within my grasp, with money. I made the Faustian bargain to inherit the power that money gifted.

With Power Comes Responsibility…

I became very forgetful during this period of my life between sixteen and eighteen. I forgot about education, my duties to my parents, and I completely forgot about my purpose in life. I became the injustice that I sought to eradicate. To forget what is dear and near is an utter disregard for life and the hard work of my ancestors. We certainly owe our lives to continuity. We did not arrive first, neither will we leave lost. What we do would affect every living organism around us directly or indirectly. 

Vanity is Insanity…

The pleasure of the high meant, nothing else was important. Nonetheless, I did have the genuine intention to kick the habit from time to time, only to fail quickly. To intend is one, to act it out is another. Never knew, I would become hapless addict that I saw on documentaries. Leaving that aside, I decided not to worry. I had money, I had drugs. What else could I possibly need. Becoming increasingly vain and overconfident, an addict turned hedonist was on track to experience the least expected. 

To Sear in Fear…

All this while, I thought I was free, getting caught came as a shock and I couldn’t agree. It was too late to tear. The last six years of my ignorance culminated to this point of inflexion facing which, I was trembling. First time in Prison, first time being ordered what to do, the food, the toilet, other criminals. Everything just made me sick and dared me to give up. 

Death In The Air. No One To Care…

Stories of the gone and the going, haunted the Prison walls. Living as a death row inmate is no simple task. Everyday, every moment remains a question mark. A thousand questions, yet no asnwers. I met some very friendly and understanding people amongst the neglected beings whom I felt genuinely deserved a second change. Nonetheless, it is now too late to say my goodbyes. May their souls rest finally after all the agony life endowed on them. 

Introspection For Redemption…

Within the four walls and great misery, a spark of hope lingered. That hope had a name – God. Since nobody could answer my questions, I thought there was no harm trying my last resort. With every question and every answer, faith was reborn. I look at faith as a unborn child. It grows slowly with required nutrition and grace, eventually taking birth, bringing light and joy to all who were patient.

Gone Is Ignorance, Born Is Cognizance…

With God’s grace, burgeoning faith and self-determined patience, came acceptance. Acceptance of what happened to me. Acceptance of what I did to others. Acceptance of the consequences coming my way. I decided firmly that a life hereafter, if given a chance, would be a life of purpose and service. 

Nothing To Fear When Everything Is Clear…

The second chance was given. The insurmountable prayers had borne fruit. Now, it is time to see if I can live up to my promise. Hence, I am pursuing my studies while I am in Prison. I have completed my O-levels and am doing my A-levels now. A tough journey of course, but the fruits are worth it. It is important to accept that life is not a bed full of roses. In that way, I will never lose sight of the petals amongst the thorns where bliss and adversity are opposites of the same wheel that never ceases to spin. 

The Journey Continues…

Bold and rigid around the edges. Ignorant and fettered in cages.

Not to help others nor myself. A price to pay, blinded by wealth. 

Lamp small to overturn. Light to fall and darken. 

A chance to awaken with faith unshaken.

Found my purpose. Broken my curse. 

Flower in bloom. Freedom from womb.

Prodigious lamp of peace. To infinity will never cease. 

Spread the light of love. Live the life to serve.