I would have apologised to him for not being a better son - by L.W.N.

Essay Title: A Letter to my Younger Self 

1^st Prize – A12

By L.W.N., a GE student-inmate from institution TM

Dear Younger Self,

Hello. It is me your older self. By the time you read this, congratulations. You made it. You managed to make it all the way to 57 years’ old. Wow! Do you remember how tough it was growing up? We lived in a 3-room HDB flat in Toa Payoh. Dad was a taxi-driver. Mom stayed at home. We hardly had enough money but somehow by the grace of a loving God, we always managed. 

It was a miracle in fact that we made it all the way through University. We wanted a scholarship to go overseas but as Divine Providence would have it, we went to NUS. Remember what it felt like to convocate at the graduation hall? Mom and sister were there and they were so proud. It was even better when the mass call happened in 1994 at the Supreme Court Building. Mom and sister was there too. I felt so proud of myself. At 25 I hit the heights. Bala (pseudonym) was very proud too. He gave us our first job.

I never imagined that for the next 32 years there would be so many vicissitudes that buffeted me in the storms of life. Being incarcerated twice was the nadir of my life. If I had told you then what know now, would you have made different choices and decisions? 

If we plot a simple chart of the life that we have experienced you would have noticed that there would were two peaks: the acme of 25 and 40. They both represented the peak of career, achievement and the exhilarating acme of being well-travelled as well as the aping lifestyles of the well-heeled. By 40, you have been around the world already in the course of work. 

The question then is, in view of the perfidy of incarceration and all the ramifications that came along with the process would you have changed anything? With the benefit of hindsight, what would you have done differently? 

The answer is both yes and no. I would have had of course married the woman I loved at 25 instead of letting her go. In fact, if I can travel back in time, I would go back to 1994 and go down on bended knee to propose to her. To my eternal regret, my younger self, I did not. 

Another thing that I would have done differently is I would have treated dad more kindly and be more passionate with respect to his health. Little did I know that he would pass away when I was 29. My heart is still stricken with the grief of losing him and not telling him that I loved him and miss him. I would have apologised to him for not being a better son. I know that dad is very proud of us and it helps me sleep better at night.

I fast forward to the present as I writing this letter to you, my younger self. There are five key lessons that I have learnt and serendipity bids me to acknowledge that the stars do in fact align. I have learned that things are not always as bad as they seem. So, quite worrying and take better care of your health. I would have laughed more and lived more and take the time to cherish the people around me and love them better. 

It is also okay to miss some opportunities because better options will come along. I would learn to love more, forgive more and hate less. Above all, I would have learnt to be kinder to myself. 

So would I change anything? The important point is that I cannot change a thing. I would have if I could, not made the decisions that led me to prison. Other than that, I would not change a thing. We will love life. We still have hopes and dreams. Going forward, I look forward to life after 57 as the inflection point is upwards. Wherever life take me, I will bring sister along. I will travel the world with her and be reconciled of course. You got this kiddo. 

Yours lovingly, your older self

(Semper Fidelis – Always Faithful)

P.S. (Above all, to thing own self be true)

- Polonius, Hamlet (Prince of Denmark)