Growing up was not always rainbows and sunshine for me

Chosen Topic:

Black but Bright (Painting a Brighter Future)

Consolation prize – AA15

By M.R., a Diploma student-inmate from Institution TM1

My friends call me ‘Ace’ and I have great passion to excel on anything. I do. I am a ‘Red; person as I have the tendency of attracting attention or trouble to myself for untold reasons. I am associated with strong feelings where I love deeply, but also hate excessively at times. I may have some drops of ‘Blue’ inside me, which comes mostly from my mother and grandmother. They have that calming effects on me, perhaps that is the power of a mother’s love. I am the second child between my two other siblings. I was born in the year of the goat in the Chinese calendar while my horoscope is Scorpio. One of the reasons I believe I am ‘Red’ is Scorpios are loyal people and do have deep, strong emotions.

Growing up was not always rainbows and sunshine for me. At 10 years old, I already had an odd job as newspaper distributor in the morning at my grandparents’ neighbourhood whenever I stay overnight there over the weekends. I love staying at my grandparents’ house as back at my parents, they frequently fought or quarrelled with things getting broken and making my little sister cry. I will get angry towards whomever makes my little sister cry, but there was not much I could do to stop my parents, being barely 10 years old then. I experienced also how it was like to have no electricity at home and only trickling water coming out from our water taps.

By secondary 2, I worked part-time at Pizza Hut near my parent’s house until I am secondary 5 and even my ITE days. Juggling work and studies made me take drugs to keep me awake throughout long hours. I had the wrong impression that I took drugs for a good cause, not due to addiction as I took drugs only occasionally for my long hours marathon. I completed my National Service in 2012, attaining a sergeant rank as firefighter section commander before proceeding to working life. During those times I failed several love relationships, had friends whom are two-faced and eventually life is being unfair towards all I had endured.

My life starts going downhill when my grandfather passed away in 2015 while my grandmother was bedridden due to diabetes. I then dedicated my life in supporting my grandmother, mother and sister financially as my eldest brother is already married. If life seems not to get any worse, everything was only ‘Grey’ still then. In 2018, I was caught at Tuas Checkpoint for capital charge of importing drugs into Singapore, carrying a ‘Mandatory Death Penalty’ (MDP) if proven guilty.

The following day, I was brought home by CNB to conduct a search. I got to see my sister, my mother and grandmother. Before leaving, my grandmother hugged me from her bed and said she does not blame me. Little that I know, that was the last physical hug I ever gotten from my beloved grandmother. In 2022, a sentence offer of 25 years imprisonment was given to me after being remanded for 4 years plus. Being asked to choose between life and death, I took the offer, as the latter seems much worse.

During that same year when Queen Elizabeth passed on, my grandmother passed away the following day due to Diabetes and Leukaemia. I never got the chance to say my final goodbye as the hospital had problems producing her death certificate on time to be endorsed by prison. The colours of my life turned as black as the midnight sky then. My parents are now currently in the process of divorce, with my father blaming me being the reason mainly. He no longer visits me. I confided in my mother regarding what my father said and she denies I am the reason behind the divorce.

Being incarcerated for a very long sentence is not easy as it not only affects you, but also your loved ones. Fortunately, my little sister has graduated from NUS and is now working full-time. Though my life seemed jet-black, I aspire to burn a bright yellow fire to light up my darkest days. Even if the future is bleak, I want to rebuild my character with better ones. To learn the quality of patience, the ability to master obstacles and develop strength out of failures, as God will never test Mankind more than they can handle. Today I am doing my Diploma with intentions to pursue a Degree afterwards.

There is a saying by Nelson Mandela, “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” Changing the world still seems far-fetched for now. What I can do is change myself so I can have a brighter, whiter future with new beginnings. As long as I do not give up my burning beacon of hope, it will lead me to the light at the end of the tunnel eventually. To err means we are only human, but to keep on standing every time you fall is what sets you apart from others.