You’re an okay kid, you’re just in the wrong environment - by A.R.G.

Essay Title: A Letter to my Younger Self 

Consolation Prize – A10

By A.R.G., a ‘N’ Level student-inmate from Institution TM1

(Note: All names used in this essay are pseudonyms)

If you’re reading this, it all work out okay. I know that you can’t fully grasp the concept of life, and although mummy does guide you, she herself has no map. None of us really know what’s going on but right now as we’re 20 years old, sitting in prison yet somehow still able to pursue our education, I can tell you I still have no idea what’s going on. That being said, I’m not sure which time period of myself is reading this but fear not, life doesn’t always suck. 

I get it, you’re upset, you finally settled into the environment, people have warmed up and become more understanding, but guess what; character development knows no limit. You’re in Montfort, facing the library, waiting for assembly to end. Then it starts and you don’t think properly because, well, you lacked the skills necessary to juggle such a task let alone even know there was error. I say error but honestly you just needed a little guidance. At first it was in the form of Ritalin. I’ll put it this way, it was a straight-jacket for your, hyperactive, thought process. It basically shut the circus down.

A disclaimer for you if you feel lethargic at the mere mention of that name, you’re no longer on it and we learnt its trait, suppression. Although, I admit, it took awhile to learn and even now we still slip. Apart from that you also had Mr Jason look after you when out of class, though not always. One of your closest friends is Kumar. I know it’s hard to believe you’re closer to Joshua, Ben and Abel but they’ll show you reality soon, they are lessons. Mummy loves you, she just has issues like you, the different is that she didn’t receive help. 

You’re an okay kid, you’re just in the wrong environment. 

A new start in a new area, you think you’re hot stuff but soon no one will want to be around you. I get it, first impressions are important, but not if you’re pretending to be something you’re not. The first two years were horrible and heads up, you’ll be threatened, expelled and eventually taken in again to complete your secondary school education. The break you ask for will eventually mature you, to an extent. You move on to the wild fun a little early but you can calm down and focus while people your age start to party. While not an advantage, it isn’t a disadvantage either. 

I’m not sure why your ego is so high but right now should be the intensive therapy period for you. Things happen in your family, you blame yourself though it is misplaced and you kinda spiral. Even though you have started seeing a counsellor and a therapist, not everyone achieves perfection. You start to open up to David and eventually stop seeing Ms Siti, and you don’t even do it respectfully. She’s not hurt though, just disappointed yet glad that you at least see David. Your thoughts become somewhat clearer as you actually talk, listen and absorb the information divulged during the sessions. He was even there when you attempted suicide for the first time, though you didn’t realise as you were sedated during the transfer, he comforted mummy. 

By the time you stop seeing David, you’ve started attending sessions held by the youth group at Novena church. The people there are so kind. You haven’t fully gotten a hang of controlling emotions, but they can tell you’re trying, especially Kate. Even though you abruptly leave due to unforeseen turn of events, they don’t hold the grudge. You left with a friendship so strong, that Daisy writes you, though with limitations, while you’re sitting your first sentence. 

Wilkie Road. The name of the apartment building you couch-crashed at with Ahmad. Ramesh and Andy were nice to rescue you from the place you call home. It is here you start to sleep better and learn to control your impulses. If you’re at this point in life, I think you’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. You’ve been given Risperidone to help manage the thoughts of suicide. Teenage life starts and Eugene is your close friend until he too spirals due to family issues and also as he has unaddressed mental issues. The time shared between you two was great. 

Well, you’re back in St. Gabriel’s Secondary School, this time with experience and a more socially acceptable mindset. At the rate you’re going, you will, and you did, retain. Not an issue, although a small regret. Eventually you start to abuse substances, like marijuana and benzodiazepines, but that’s after you stop taking your medications. You go to Normal Technical stream and go to the Institution of Technical Education, in Simei. 

Somehow you’re able to juggle a drug addiction and school, although you’re not taking your course seriously. Abby has come and left and while you wish she’ll come back, you’re happy she has come to love herself more. As long as she’s happy, you’ll revenge. You want to play around to forget her and even that doesn’t help the pain of loss. She was like an angel, pulling you out of the dark days which is feeling suicidal. To you, she was everything. Now that I look back, she was a fun lesson. I still ache for her sometimes but it is but that, a feeling. 

This is for 19 year old me. You’re an idiot but you learn a lot from the start of 2024 till the day you came in, which is only a few months. School is okay but you start being influenced by the wrong crowd. And even though you still balance your trust and wariness, you’re still young and dumb. We’ll never stop making mistakes but the brightside is that the lessons don’t stop either. You’ll lose your bail and start to get it together, but keep in mind that even as I write this, I’m still abit of an idiot. 

You meet John, see William and Chris and while the cell splits for one reason or another, you learn quite a lot of skills before you get sentenced. Honestly, you’re okay, just learning but so is literally everyone else. No matter what part of life you look back at, there’s surely a lesson or memory to ponder upon. Be it to stay humble, to keep quiet and let people say what they please or even that time you and Daisy played with fire. What I’m trying to stay is that life is bearable and you’re an idiot but not stupid. You have loved ones and true friends, a roof over your head, clean food and water as well as a body with little to no abnormalities. Nothing in life remains except in death. You will be okay young Jaz, I assure you. 

Literally you, 

Jaz