Just to see her grandson behind the glass panel - by M.P.S.

Essay Title: A Letter to my Younger Self 

Consolation Prize – A11

By M.P.S., a ‘N’ Level student-inmate from Institution TM1

(Note: All names used in this essay are pseudonyms)

To my dearest self, 

To be honest, I don’t really know how would this go. I didn’t prepare myself for this or ever imagined that this day would come. I’ll just write whatever that has been kept in my small little heart and express it all out today… My biggest hope is that whatever I write today makes sense. 

I know at the starting of your life, the first few years wasn’t that easy. You lost your dad in a bike accident when you were five years old. You weren’t taken care by your mom for a while after your dad passed away and you went through a lot that a child shouldn’t have. Child abuse by whoever was taking care of you at the period. Even after joining your mom and her family, you had to hide in the room everytime a relative comes to visit or stay over and whenever a relative stops over. 

You’ll have to hide in the room for at least 6 months to a year. Eating only three times a day, had to sneak around the house to shower or got to the toilet, had to wake up so early on the morning to sneak out of the house for school and eat your breakfast at the staircase and be a secret to your own family or your mothers side. Just because you were born before your parents got married and her family thinks of you as a disgrace. You were bullied in school, always alone and crying after being beaten up by bullies at school or your own family on your moms side whenever a relative got to catch a glimpse of you. 

I know you felt that you weren’t covered by your own family. You don’t get the attention from your mom like any child should and you didn’t have a father figure to support you through your life. You didn’t have friends and you were always getting into trouble for the wrong people and got into a lot of toxic relationships. You could do anything for anybody who came and gave you the love that you needed and craved. Even if they were from the wrong company, you’d do anything because you felt that it was rare and something special for a stranger to give you love and attention. Stayed in the most toxic relationships just to have the temporary love from the other gender. Due to your ‘loving’ action towards the people who gave you aceeptance and love, you got into prison for three times, from the age of 14 all the way till now turning twenty one years old. 

Take some time to put everything aside and look around you carefully. All that you’ve been seeing and focusing is the lack of love from your moms family, no friends to play with and you feel that you don’t deserve to feel loved, but look around you. You have your fathers side of the family. They’re been supporting you through out, regardless whatever trouble you got yourself into and no matter how many times you got arrested or detained in prison. They were always there for you. 

You spent total of eight years in and out of prison at the age of fourteen and your grandmother hasn’t missed a single visit at all. Even with her injured knees and operations needed, she puts all pain aside just to see you for twenty-three minutes every twice a month through out all the years. Travelling from choa chu kang all the way to the east, just to see her grandson behind the glass panel. 

You have your aunt who treats you like her own son. Giving you the mothers love that you needed all your life, were there for you when you needed a shoulder to cry on and always believed that you’ll change one day. Both her sons treated you like their own siblings and were always with you to back you up at any challenge. 

Even being here, you’ve got all the support needed. The officers watched you change, grow mature as the years pasts and were there to advice you when needed. They offered you moral support, believed that you change one day and knew that you needed time. Your counsellor that was always there to hear your biggest rants and gave you the listening ear that you needed. 

Open your eyes wide Mizi… You are loved by so many people around you, supported by different people and you do have friends that will be there to advice and pull you away from trouble. Don’t keep focusing on what you don’t have in the past and focus on what you have now. Stop thinking that you need to do everything for anybody that you feel needs your help just because you didn’t get all the help and love needed when you were young, stop trying to be the robin hood that will just get yourself into trouble. 

You love to help people, regardless in the good way or bad. You’ve helped people in a lot of ways and you always put yourself aside and think of others instead of putting yourself first. The best way to be loved is by loving yourself and not other more. Stop believing in the negative core belief that you’re not loved or not wanting people to go through what you went through. You are a very kind person, always giving a helping hand and always caring. Help people in the right way and remember to always put yourself first. Yes, you can think of others but you need to prioritise yourself too. 

Choose wisely with whoever you mix with, think more than a thousand times before doing everything for anybody and remember that you don’t have to be superman all the time. Always remember that not everybody that comes into your life will always be there for you. Ask yourself, will the person you help now be there for you when you’re stuck? May I can answer that for you. No, not all will be loyal and stay by your side. At the end of the day, only you suffer alone and the people who really loves you will be hurt your actions. 

I hope that this letter will bring you good spirit and motivation. Always remember that you are loved and will always be worthy of love. You’re a sweet boy always looking out for others and giving love to so many people. Remember to always help those really in need and in the right way. You may look bad, have a dark past and hurt so many people before but know that those who are worth it, will love you for who you are. Keep in mind that you’ve haven’t met everyone that will love you. 

Thank your grandmother, aunt and your fathers family for always being there for you. Thank the people who have supported and believed in you. Make them proud one day by changing and leaving a normal life. Study hard while you can to secure a better future and remember to always love yourself. 

From, 

Mizi