I lost my unborn child and that really took a toll on me - by S.

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Be Patient on What Befalls Upon You

'N' Level student-inmate from institution A4

Consolation Prize

            Life is like a rollercoaster. There are ups and downs. There is no ending to it that, is how my life has been. I am turning 30 years old this year, and still riding my own roller-coaster ride. Born and raised in the east side of Singapore, with two other siblings, my family of five were not a complete family, as my father is a frequent inmate to the old Changi Prison. My mother brought the three of us up with her supporting job as a food stall helper. It was not easy growing up back then, but I survived it anyway.

            I got married at the age of 16 and became a mother at the age of 17. Life was tough. Juggling two jobs to support my family of three. My then husband was out of job and in search for a new one. Being a mother and wife was not an easy task. Yet I still work through it. I tried my very best. Above all that, I still have to be a sole breadwinner to my family.

            After a year and a half through my marriage life, everything turned ugly. Life really throw a big stone at me. I found out that my then husband was involved in drugs again. He was an ex-convict at the time I knew him. I believe back then when we met each other that he needs to be given a chance to change. I gave him that one chance and yet, he betrayed my trust. His actions led to many more upsetting event in my life. From as tiny as an ant to as huge as an elephant. From then, it never stops.

            I stayed with him till the third year of our marriage, then he was gone, like a wind. Everything became worse, after my miscarriage. He became an aggressive person. The man whom I was married to was not the same man anymore. He became abusive towards me, and for no reason at all, he accuses me of adultery. It never ended.

            I remembered vividly that particular day, the day I had my miscarriage. I went to the hospital that morning for my monthly check-up. After my check-up, I called him to inform that I will be home late as I want to go and buy some things for the baby. He said okay and hung up the phone. I continued my errands and searched for baby items to buy, while with my thirteen-month-old daughter.

            After a few hours of searching, I felt so tired and exhausted and realised it was already evening. I flagged a cab and went back home straight. When I reached my flat, I had difficulties carrying all the items including my daughter’s pram. So, I slowly carried one item at a time and climbed up the four storey to my flat. It took me awhile but at last I reached home.

            Without my anticipation, my then husband was already home too. He looked so moody and grumpy. I ignored him and settled down myself with a glass of plain water. After a few minutes, he began asking me questions that sounded ridiculous. I tried to ignore him and proceeded to transfer the items I had bought earlier.

            Out of the sudden, I felt someone pulling my hair, I turned to realise that it was him with a face full of anger. I fought to make him stop but was not strong enough to compete with his strength. After struggling for a while, I managed to escape his grasp and that was when I felt a hard slap on my back. The only thing I remember after was my daughter’s eyes looking at me.

            Due to that incident, I lost my unborn child and that really took a toll on me. I was diagnosed with depression. After my discharge from the hospital, my life totally changed. I was so dependent on the medication given to me which led to my addiction. I moved out from my flat with my daughter to stay with my other for the next seven months. During that time, my family was not aware of my misuse of medication. I struggled to look happy and healthy for my family but I’m broken inside.

            My addiction has gotten from bad to worse. I tried quitting but it always failed. After a few attempts, I got back on drugs. From a prescribed drugs to the street drugs. Everything happened in a split second. In my seven years of my addiction, I struggled hard to juggle my two jobs and also my time for my daughter as she was with me. She was the strength that makes me stronger each day. Never once I give up on life. I always tell myself that I have responsibility to carry.

            The years of my addiction, there were times when I told myself I have to stop, yet I never did. Until the morning of my arrest. I was with my daughter, buying her school items for her. It really hit me hard that I felt so disappointed with myself. Upon my arrest, the officers wanted me to get someone to take my daughter but I argued as I have not been in touch with any of my family members. After twenty-four hours of holding me in with my daughter, I managed to contact my eldest sister. From that day, my sister took over my daughter’s care and needs. She became her legal guardian.

            This time around, it really hit me hard so badly that I realised my own downfall began with myself. No one is to be blamed for my own mistakes except myself. Going through my incarceration was not only the tough thing I had to do but being far from my daughter and my family was the most difficult thing I had to do. Never have I looked back and said that I give up on my life. I always tell myself that there is someone else who had it worse than me, yet they still move on with their lives.

            Today, I can say that I have done my very best to stay positive in my life. Everything that have bestowed upon me all these years, really teaches me how to be calm and patient. Every minute and every second of my time is precious. Therefore, I rather say that being humble and patient is the best thing to achieve.

            My two and a half years of incarceration have really taught me a very big lesson. Be patient and never give up on life. There is a quote that I come across while I’m reading a book. It says “Life may give you a hundred reasons to cry. Show life you have a thousand reasons to smile. Cry as much as you want now and do not cry over the same reasons again.” I agree, because in my life, I have cried so many times yet I never once stop and say, “Hey, life goes on!” Now, I realised I deserve better things in life and yes, life does go on.

            I hope my story can be a learning lesson to others who are going through difficulties in life. My problems may not be the same as others, but it can be interpreted in many different ways. In every aspect of life, there is a path for happiness. To achieve that, we must apply life’s greatest weapon, patience. Be patient and everything will come and go smoothly.