I considered the dissonance of my body and soul - by E.S.

Essay Title: The Two Sides of My Mirror: Body and Soul 

Consolation Prize – AA05

By E.S., a ‘A’ level student-inmate from institution TM1

The distant sunset smote the upper windows of the HDB flats, the panes glowed like plates of hot metal. The sky was a faded rose, the verdant leaves of the trees stirred in the gentle breeze and were bathed in a rich cerise glow like Achilles dipped in the river Styx. In stark contrast, the warm colours seemed absent in the cold concrete titan of a building: Tanah Merah Prison. Sprawled across the floor, I hauled my gaze towards the steel bars where stray rays of sunlight seemed to mock me, reminding me of the life beyond my reach. 

My gaze drifted towards the sordid mirror across the room that seemed fit for use in Lilliput. Inexplicably, I felt my feet stir and found myself standing face-to-face with my reflection. In my vestige, I felt that the skin that covered my flesh belonged not to me. How many years have I stymied my soul under the Draconian weight of expectations? I shut my eyes for a moment, riveted in cogitation: I began to wonder about my unfulfilled ambitions; my sense of identity; and my raison d'etre. When I opened my eyes, I saw in the mirror the image of my soul. Startlingly, I saw not my face but a mask! I recognised at once that its appearance was that of my online alter-ego. I felt as if a sword had been driven through my chest as a question arose in my heart: which was the real one? The one in the mirror or the one standing before it? 

Livestreaming began as a hobby of cathartic purpose which soon evolved into my escapism. I started living a double life and wore a mask which seemed not to conceal my individuality but to reveal it. I felt enabled to live truly, at last divorced from my inhibitions. I had crossed to the other side: my flesh seemed to melt away and my spectre delved into a digital plane of existence. Without the limitations of my crude body, my soul became unchained and unbound. It is online where the lonely souls converge and dance, celebrating connection that knows no boundaries. I became an idol that received the unflagging support of my fellow undead. I had never felt more alive. 

Disconnected from my silicon utopia, my soul had begrudgingly returned to my ailing body. The lustre of youth had peeled away like old paint, the vigour I had formerly possessed had ebbed away from my earthly vessel. I recalled the day when the cold of steel shackles bit into my bones, penetrating deeply and closing in my soul. I felt my hand tremble as I pressed my fingertips against the mirror, reality blurred and it was as if I could cross into the mirror like it were a portal and attain deliverance. Converse to my phantasms of paradise, it was as if I was instead transported to Cocytus, an egregious place amongst the deepest rungs of hell where all rivers freeze – and unlike the Florentine poet Dante, I had neither Beatrice nor Virgil to guide me. The pervasive cool of the glass crept upwards my arms and spread throughout my being, permeating the fibers and bones, transforming my into an avatar of ice: the white walker. 

I could scarce perceive any emotion other than an infinite lamentations, the icy imprisonment of my soul had taken its toll and my being begged for a scintilla of respite. Why do I suffer so? I committed my mental faculties entirely to rediscover myself, absorbed in profound cogitation, a concatenation of reflections proliferated inexorably in my mind.

I considered the dissonance of my body and soul; casting my vessel aside was akin to disposing my pusillanimity and liberating my personality or so it had ephemerally seemed. It was deus ex machine: I had at last realised my mistake – oh, I had been of such narrow-mind! I had unearthed the Rosetta Stone in the form of a simple aphorism: the body and soul are inextricable. No longer will I forsake one for the other, I resolved, both must be cultivated towards equipoise. Moreover, I must make reparations for my bodily neglect and endeavour for a healthy lifestyle. This epiphany has saved me: my new resolve sparked an ember that burned on the tapers of my rekindled aspirations and I felt my woes melt away, the case of ice entrapping my soul had thawed and I felt a warmness envelop me. 

The sunlight now embraced me, wrapping its gentle arms around me and filling me with the rejuvenating hope of endless possibilities. Now, I pressed my temple on the mirror and closed my eyes. My body and soul were ablaze, the two becoming one, and from their amalgamated ashes rose the immortal Phoenix. I renewed my gaze upon the mirror and in its reflection, I saw myself.